Cultivating the Orb

It feels soooo good to be honest and open with close friends. I feel so happy right now, to the point that I would call it joy.  For those who do not understand my need to distinguish between the two: happiness derives from "hap" such as in "happen", "happenstance", etc. and is associated with the temporary, whereas joy has its roots in things that come from deep within and are not, in any way, temporary.  When I think of joy, I think of a bright, yellow orb deep within a person that is infinitely there - it is either shining or not - and it is directly linked with a person's life energy/force/chi (I know, I know...cut the Eastern Philosophy crap...but it's what I truly believe).  Happiness, however, is just a mood that is subject to variation from minute to minute.  I guess happiness can have an impact on one's joy, but it would probably take a very long time of being happy to develop and true sense of joy.  Even then, as soon as one becomes less than happy again, (s)he will not be able to sustain a sense of joy.  And thus, the other distinction between joy and happiness: joy is self-cultivated; happiness is a result of  external forces.  Doing things that one truly enjoys, such as making music, painting, reading, exercising, helps to cultivate joy; finding out you got good grades for the semester puts you in a happy mood for a little while.  By cultivating joy you keep that yellow orb within you lit and you sustain your spiritual needs.

Anyway, sorry for the long tangent, but it's important to me to clarify.  So, I feel so happy that I would call it joy because I just had a great conversation with one of my closest friends from home, Kim Sweet.  I really got a lot of things off of my chest and spoke openly with her (and she with me) about what has been going on in our lives, friendships, and relationships over the course of the semester.  It was something that, once we started speaking openly, just immediately started cultivating the bright, yellow orb within me.  I am realising now that it is because we were completely honest with one another, and unfortunately, over the course of my life, honesty has been a hard policy for me to live by.  Within the past few months and weeks however, I have been slowly creating a life for myself where I adhere to Honesty and Truth.  As a result I feel like my life in the past few weeks has been so much more fulfilling and meaningful and glorious.  

The yellow orb is getting so bright and satiated that it's beginning to turn white.  To extend the metaphor I guess, I'm satisfying the hunger of the orb so much that I'm afraid it will result in a supernova, which is beautiful, yet frightening...not to mention horrible, in terms of the metaphor, because it means I will be devoid of joy.  I think this is the "happiness factor" and paranoia essentially, trying to rationalise this newly found sense of joy within me - it's been so long since I've felt this joyful that my brain is maintaining its reservations.  Nevertheless, I am optimistic about the future and the coming weeks and I cannot wait to help share my joy with those I come into contact with, especially those closest and dearest to me.

The quotation - I have started reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky and this line stuck in my head  and made me think so much that I could barely fall asleep even though I was pretty tired after reading last night.  I feel that this really displays both ends of the joy/happiness spectrum...either way it's brilliant:

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite" - Stephen Chbosky